‘Tis the season…how to say “no” without feeling guilty.

How do you handle the upcoming holidays? Are you excited, happy, overwhelmed, confused, joyful, already worn out? I was chatting with some dear friends the other day and we were discussing how conflicting the holidays can be. While on one hand we are truly excited to be putting up decorations, making Christmas cookies, shopping, wrapping, cleaning, cooking, etc., etc. On the other hand (you know where this is going), it is utterly exhausting to be putting up decorations, making Christmas cookies, shopping, wrapping, cleaning, cooking, etc., etc. Right?!

What to do? Each year we vow to ourselves that we will not put too much on our plate this time. And then, we do. Argh! Why?

There are studies that address this issue. They say the main reason we don’t say “no” when we know we need to, but give in anyway, is because we don’t want to upset others; we are concerned about what they will think of us if we do. Think about that. If someone gets upset with you because you have to (or want to or need to) say “no”, well, are they really a friend? Really?

Saying “no” does not mean you are rude, selfish or unkind. You do not need another person to validate you and your actions.

So, Saying “no” is not rejection and it is not being impolite. It is being honest and straight forward. It is a form of self-care when you set boundaries. For women especially, this is sometimes difficult to overcome. Most of us are people pleasers and we want to genuinely help. Most of the time we do. However, when it becomes too much, we have to learn, yes, LEARN, to say “no”.

Below find a few samples of how to gently but firmly acknowledge that you simply cannot help out this time. Remember to be honest, straight forward, polite and brief. Long explanations are not necessary whatsoever.

• Thank you for thinking of me but I’m not able to this time. Call me next time (if you mean it).

• Maybe you can offer another alternative if you really want to help but this particular time is not good for you.

• Regrettably, I am not able.

• I have some things I have to take care of first; may I let you know in a couple of days?

• I promised myself I would not take on anything new. I’m so sorry.

• I have another commitment.

• This is not a good time.

• I’m not sure I’m the best for that.

• I’d rather not; is there something else I can do.

• While I’m flattered, I’m also overbooked.

So, the next time your daughter-in-law calls asking if you can pick up the kids from school and you are right in the middle of a project, think before you answer. Remember your time is just as precious and valuable as anyone else. We need to guard our time and save it for what is most important. When you say “no” to something that does not appeal to you or you don’t want to do, you are giving yourself the gift of freedom to spend your time doing something you really love or maybe be available for new opportunities. Be good to yourself this Christmas and New Year season. It only comes once a year so treasure the time.

Merry Christmas and happy aging,

Sue